


My Sea Is Deeper Than Your Lake

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Jedi Rose Series [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (TV 2008)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Bashing, Character Death, Character Study, Community: trope_bingo, Deconstruction, Episode: s5e13 Point of No Return, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Going to Hell, Speculation, Trope Subversion/Inversion, creator breakdown, douchebag obi-wan, i'm going to regret this aren't i, obi-wan is a fucking douchebag, rage fic, ron the death eater for the sake of venting, s5e4 The Soft War, sylvia noble!obi-wan, trope bingo, vent fic, wild mass guessing, written to ward off depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:35:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are moments, if nothing else, where Obi-Wan Kenobi is not perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Sea Is Deeper Than Your Lake

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own jack shit.
> 
> Author's Notes: Just playing around in the Jedi Rose 'verse some more -- at least with the backstory. Also blowing off some steam in regards to Obi-Wan's behavior in "The Point of No Return". It was just a short scene, but it was such a Kick the Dog moment, IMHO, that I thought I'd at least rage a bit. Written for the prompt "Free Space -- Secret Relationship". Title is from "In The Lake" by Emilie Autumn.

1\. There are some times when Obi-Wan Kenobi does not understand why Anakin will not stop with thinking that he and Satine Kryze are dating. After all, it's fairly obvious that a Jedi shall not know love. And if nothing else, Obi-Wan is devoted to the Jedi Code and everything it represents.   
  
It's one of those moments where he supposes that he'll never quite understand his Padawan. If nothing else, there are times when he wishes that others would simply, honestly understand that no, he and Satine are not a couple, and he doubts that they ever will be. After all, he would be lying if he said that he didn't care for Satine. If nothing else, she is an honorable woman -- an honorable, lovely woman with a will of pure durasteel. It's something he can't help but admire. And yet at the same time, there's the matter of the fact that they can't be in a relationship, if only because they have their duties. He has his duties to the Jedi Order, and she has hers to Mandalore.  
  
Except there are times when Obi-Wan looks at her and sees, at least for a moment, a possibility of simply forsaking his duties and going with her. It's not what one would call easy, thinking about it. And yet at the same time, he can't simply abandon everything he's worked for if only for love.  
  
Perhaps Anakin would do something like that -- at least, Obi-Wan can only suppose. But he is not Anakin Skywalker, and he doubts that he ever will.  
  
2\. Satine would be lying, if nothing else, if she said that she felt nothing for Obi-Wan Kenobi save the matter of platonic love. If nothing else, she does care for him, at least in a way. Especially considering that, in all honesty, what is there left to not love about him? Honorable, brave, kind, handsome...then again, he and his Padawan are both honorable men. If there's something she doesn't like about Obi-Wan, it's the fact that there are some times when he seems to treat his apprentice...in all honesty, rather callously.  
  
It's few and far between. But when it does spring up, there's something in her that can't help but wince if only for Anakin's sake. Because she cares about him too -- not like she does for Obi-Wan, but close enough. And she can't help but wonder if Obi-Wan even realizes how much he means to the both of them.  
  
3\. Anakin knows more than anything that he shouldn't get frustrated with Obi-Wan; after all, his Master is doing the best he can. But there's something about the rebuke after that one instance in the Carida command center that stings, if only slightly. It doesn't help that after Mandalore, after Rex has been injured, Obi-Wan seems to see fit to lay into him, even though, if nothing else, he did what he could.  
  
He supposes he can understand Obi-Wan's actions somewhat. It doesn't really mean, though, that he likes them. Even as Rex lies recuperating in med bay, Anakin's standing outside the medcenter, looking in anxiety through the window. He wishes that he could see Rex, but it's not like anyone's really allowed in while Rex is recuperating. If nothing else, the orders have been clear, at least from the medical droid.  
  
It's while he's standing looking into Rex's window that he feels Obi-Wan's presence coming up behind him. "You should be resting," Obi-Wan says.  
  
"I know," Anakin says. "I'm worried is all."  
  
"About Captain Rex?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Obi-Wan seems to be thoughtful if only for a moment. "You nearly got Duchess Satine killed."  
  
"I didn't mean it!" It's such a childish response, but Anakin can't help it. If nothing else, the idea of being responsible for Satine's death is too much to bear. He's already lost so many people -- his mother, Steela, and so many others. Even the idea of losing Satine, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan or Padme or Artoo -- he can still remember that horrible near-miss with Artoo -- is too much to bear."I know that well enough, Anakin," Obi-Wan says, "But if nothing else..." He sighs. "I don't know what to do with you sometimes. Always talking back to me, always disobeying my orders, always refusing to stay put. You...honestly, you disappoint me."  
  
It's long after the argument's over that Anakin leans against the wall, suddenly feeling more tired than he's ever been. Captain Rex is injured. And worst of all, Obi-Wan thinks that it's his fault. It's not even the matter of being blamed for it; if nothing else, he supposes it is his fault. But it's the idea of letting Obi-Wan down that is almost too much to bear.  
  
It's then that he feels Gascon's presence. Anakin looks up at him. "Evening, Brigadier-General."   
  
"Evening, General," Gascon says. "You doing all right?"  
  
"In a matter of speaking," Anakin says. After all, he's always all right, right?  
  
Gascon tilts his head -- at least the best he can. "You worried about Captain Rex?"  
  
"Yes," Anakin says.  
  
"Don't worry about him, General," Gascon says. "He's made of durasteel, that one. He'll survive."   
  
Anakin smiles weakly. "I certainly hope so." Even in that moment, Obi-Wan's words rage inside his head.  _...you disappoint me...you disappoint me...you disappoint me..._  They continue to play inside his head like a broken record. And the worst part is that in a way, Obi-Wan is right. He's never been the perfect Padawan, after all. And he doubts he ever will be.   
  
4\. It's in the morning that Obi-Wan apologizes. And though Anakin tries to wear a fake smile, there's something in him that continues to worry. It's foolish; he's not a Padawan anymore. And yet Obi-Wan's words cut so deep almost like a stab wound.   
  
He tries to forgive Obi-Wan. After all, a Jedi's duty is to forgive, is it not? To be angry is to be human, but to control your anger is to be a Jedi. If nothing else, even later, Anakin vows that he will never be a disappointment to Obi-Wan. Not once, not ever.   
  
And so he tries to not be. He tries to speak when spoken to, to control his anger, to bury it deep down into practice and simply making himself better. Ahsoka keeps noting that he seems angrier, but if nothing else, it's not anger. It's determination. He's going to prove himself to Obi-Wan or die trying. And that's a fact.   
  
5\. It's on the battlefield against Maul that he loses his temper. If nothing else, there's something about Maul's taunts about Qui-Gon, about how he expected more from Anakin -- and though Anakin tries to tell himself  _he's just trying to provoke you it's what Sith do_ eventually, he can't take it anymore, and pure and simply, he loses his temper. He rushes at Maul, beating him back relentlessly, and even Maul seems almost stunned by the sheer ferocity. And though he can hear Qui-Gon's voice yelling at him to stop, he can't stop. He beats Maul back, again and again, attacking relentlessly, chopping that double-bladed lightsaber in half, stabbing Maul through the chest, carving, slicing. And finally, he looks at what he's done, and he realizes how he lost control. Even looking over Maul's body, over the metal bottom separated from Maul's top half, he doesn't think he's ever felt more ill.   
  
And it's then that he collapses to the ground, almost as if the literal pressure of being perfect, of not being a disappointment, has overwhelmed him at last.  
  
When he wakes, Obi-Wan apologizes profusely for what he's done, and he's commended for his efforts -- although Anakin can swear that Mace Windu is looking at him out of the corner of his eye, quietly judging him and trying not to show it -- but if nothing else, though Anakin is grateful for the apologies at least, he's uncomfortable with the commendation of his taking care of Maul, and he knows that the Council is too. If nothing else, even in this moment, Anakin fears that somehow, he will never be good enough.   
  
6\. It's long after his argument with Anakin that Obi-Wan goes off to see Satine. More than anything, he needs to see her, to at least know that they're all right. If nothing else, he never wanted to hurt Anakin. It's the last thing he ever would have wanted to do, and yet at the same time, the words escaped him before he could stop himself. Anakin put their lives in danger.   
  
And yet there is something in him that all but says,  _don't condemn him Obi-Wan he knows not what he does_ , and Obi-Wan supposes that it is true. And yet he can't shake the feeling of Anakin constantly, time and time again, disappointing him -- talking back, being reckless, and so many other things. He sometimes wonders, if nothing else, what he ever did to deserve such an utter...disappointment of a Padawan. It's cruel, but true nonetheless.  
  
It's in Satine's bed chambers that he finds her. She looks at him. "Did something happen?" she asks.  
  
"I needed to see you," Obi-Wan says, and he supposes that is true enough. If nothing else.  
  
It's there that one thing leads to another. The Code has not forbidden the matter of casual sex -- something some would at least see as controversial, and even nonsensical, but it's really the matter of actual relationships being the issue, not sex in and of itself -- and yet there is something in Obi-Wan that wonders if he's going too far. Even as he explores Satine's body, however, if nothing else, he knows that they both need this -- just to know that the other is all right, that everything is all right. Even so, long after they've finished, long after they're simply sleeping in the other's arms, there's something in Obi-Wan that wonders if he's gone too far -- if now that he's acted on his feelings for Satine, he's gone down a path from which he cannot return.   
  
7\. From that moment on, they make a point of visiting one another. There's something in Obi-Wan that knows, more than anything else, that this is wrong, that they shouldn't become lovers, that this is a place that can't go regardless of what they feel about one another, but if nothing else, there's something in him that needs this. Just to be close to Satine, and to be with her. In between the lovemaking, they take time if only to talk about the war, if only to have moments of laughter, of listening, of solace. But most of all, it's the smaller moments that matter -- the moments of rubbing her back, undoing her hair -- she has such lovely hair -- reading together, and so much more. The few adventures that if nothing else, Obi-Wan doubts he's had, at least much. And something in Obi-Wan doesn't want to lose that.  
  
Obi-Wan can still remember Qui-Gon's words to him from when he was a Padawan: "Some things are worth breaking the Code for." And though he doubts that Qui-Gon was necessarily applying this to a romantic relationship -- his feelings for Tahl aside -- it is true nonetheless. Satine Kryze, brave, beautiful, wonderful Satine Kryze -- she is worth breaking the Code for. He would have left the Order long ago if only for her sake -- now, even as they sleep soundly beside one another, Obi-Wan knows, more than anything, he is almost ready to leave the Order, if only to be with her.   
  
Her Force presence hums warmly next to him, soft and gentle and content, a mother nexu napping beside her mate. And it's in that moment that, if nothing else, Obi-Wan doubts that he would give this up for anything.   
  
8\. It's long after the horrible jungle planet where they lost Depa Billaba that Obi-Wan learns about Satine's pregnancy. He looks at her, almost in shock. "How long have you known?"  
  
"Quite a while," Satine says. "I severely doubt you can visit for long. If nothing else, you have your duties, and I have mine."  
  
Obi-Wan swallows. He supposes that she is right. And yet...  
  
"It's only right that I be with you," he says. "No matter what it takes."   
  
Satine smiles. "I never thought you could be so devoted, Master Kenobi."  
  
"You didn't?" Obi-Wan has to smile a bit. Then he falters. "It's only right, after all. That I be there with you, no matter what it takes."   
  
9\. It's near the end of the war that Satine gives birth. Even kneeling next to her, Obi-Wan doubts that he's ever felt more anxious, more terrified, in his entire life. The best he can do is take her hand, offer encouragement to her -- to reassure her that no matter what happens, it's going to be all right. And then, finally, it's over, and the wailing infant is handed towards Obi-Wan.  
  
Even as Satine looks at him -- for apparently, it's a boy -- she smiles, if only slightly. "Luke," she says, "Name him Luke."  
  
And somehow, if nothing else, it feels more right than anything else. Even later, spending time with Satine, and with Luke, Obi-Wan feels, in this moment, almost as if he's come home. For he is home -- with them, and that is worth everything.  
  
10\. All things have to come to an end. And yet at the same time, there is a part of Obi-Wan that, pure and simply, cannot cope with it. The fact that Anakin has now turned to the Dark Side -- though Master Yoda and Satine try to reassure him that if nothing else, it was Anakin's choice to fall, there is something in Obi-Wan that isn't convinced. He knows it's true, and yet his thoughts are a mess of  _Did I do something, did I not do something, did we do something, did we not do something, what could we have done differently_  to the point he almost can't think straight.  
  
The best he can do, really, is look after Padme's children -- as well as his own child. Luke. He doesn't want to see Luke go, but if nothing else, he knows that it's not the end. And he has promises to keep. To look after Leia and Rose -- to keep them safe. To keep Padme and Satine safe. To honor Anakin's memory, and the Order that they had both served.   
  
Because if nothing else, it is the best he can do. 


End file.
